What Needs To Be Said That You're Not Saying?

I stared at the bathroom floor, my eyes boring into the bathmat. I’d had my run of bullshit “I’m fine” statements.

He’d gotten two tattoos, one on the left side of his chest, one on the right. We’d been talking about the tattoos for weeks. They were his gift to himself for his birthday. He’d elected two quotes that were both grounding and aspirational.

I didn’t really have an opinion about the tattoos. I knew they’d look good. I loved the way in which he was ringing in his birthday for himself. In fact, I really hadn’t thought much of it. Until, of course, they were there. The instant I saw them my heart sank. It wasn’t the way they looked (that, I found incredibly sexy). It was what they said. At the last minute, he’d changed his mind. Instead of two quotes he’d swapped one of the quotes for his son’s name. A little boy I’d yet to meet. A little boy I’d developed a deeply loving fondness for without even knowing just yet. But all of sudden, those feelings transformed. I felt a lump begin to form in my throat and my eyes start to get hot. I was simultaneously filled with intense sadness and loneliness, but also anger and jealousy.

For weeks prior I’d assured him it would all be fine. And not just fine, but great. My own parents were divorced, I’d had a not so nice stepmother of my own, I knew how to do this right. I knew that the answer in this situation is always love. Love, love, love.

But when my reaction felt like the exact opposite of love, I was shook and mortified. How could I feel this way? How awful did this make me? I couldn’t possibly voice what I was experiencing. And yet, I couldn’t not. My attempt to suppress, tamp down, and bury these feelings within myself only made the situation worse. Being my partner, my person, my family, he could tell. He could read the falseness in my ‘I’m fines’ all over my face. Saying the actual words, having the hard conversation, speaking the truth was the only way forward.

We routinely leave the most important things unsaid. We do it in conversations with our partners, our friends, our family, our bosses, our colleagues and everyone in between. And, oh yeah, ourselves (the most important conversations of all).

We do it in small ways, by RSVP’ing yes to things we actually don’t want to go to or accepting the piece of cake we don’t really want but feel obligated to eat. We do it in really big ways, by routinely putting others needs before our own, not setting boundaries with friends or family, and not sharing the truth behind our own deep truths. Those piercing moments of shame, blame, jealousy, rage, loneliness and fear. But also joy and excitement, too. We bury, we diminish, we ignore.

I was blessed in this scenario because I quite literally couldn’t hide my feelings. Facing someone who knows me so deeply, he could see right through. We’re not always so lucky though, yet it’s just as important (if not even more so) to say the thing that’s not being said. To set ourselves free.

Why don’t we? To avoid pain and discomfort, per usual. We think the pain and discomfort of having the hard conversation and speaking the truth will be worse, when in reality sitting on those feelings and thoughts long term will be far worse. Why am I so sure? Because it means you’re living inauthentically. And nothing hurts us more than showing up as the person we aren’t each day.

It’s a lot. I don’t deny that. And I’m not advocating you go out and have every deep, dark conversation that’s lingering in your head and heart. Instead, start by asking yourself the following:

What conversations am I not having?
What needs to be said that I’m not saying?

If something comes to mind and it feels a bit scary (or a lot scary), good. It means you’re on the right track. Remember though, we’re capable of a lot more than we think. You might just be able to set yourself free and have that conversation sooner rather than later.

This was previously published on my old website.