Mini Ep: Why do women who don’t do the work, who are are just as messed up as the rest of us, find great people? Why does it just never happen for me?
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I love this question and even more so, this listener for asking it. In this quick mini ep, I'm expanding upon the following points below — i.e. reasons why I think this is the case:
There are people (men/women alike) who say or think they’re doing the work, but they’re just skirting issues, not really looking squarely at themselves, playing the victim – and that’s why they don’t have the relationship they want. It’s very comfortable to stay stuck in our sh*t.
A lot of people’s relationships look way better or more fulfilling from the outside. We’re a culture steeped in performative behavior. People stay because it’s more comfortable, perhaps, to face the “devil you know,” versus risk change.
A lot of people get into relationships that seem good from the outside looking in, but just repeat the same patterns of their past, and they’re miserable.
Some of those people repeat the same patterns and they don’t care— and that is totally fine. That’s sufficient for them.
With that, I think there’s a way of being TOO steeped in working on ourselves, which ultimately holds us back from allowing ourselves to connect deeply to anyone, because we have this strict notion of what a person and relationship is supposed to feel like. We’re projecting all our needs for safety and fulfillment onto another person and circumstance, versus creating that for ourselves.
Not all people are meant to be in long term relationships — marriage is, in many ways, a dated institution. Single life can be a great life.
People think they want a relationship that looks a certain way, a certain type of partner, but their desires are more rooted in ego rather that truth, authenticity and desire. So they never meet anyone.